Adam Rippon’s Oscar Outfit and that One Time I Went to a Bondage Club

I’m of that certain age that my celebrity crushes have become more filias than douleur exquise, so one moment I’m admiring their looks, and the next I want to take them home and feed them lasagna. I knew I was getting old when I saw a picture of Adam in his harness for the Oscars and the first thing I thought was, “It must be so hard to be his mother right now.” Not because I thought his outfit was particularly daring — Adam’s skating costumes are much more revealing as is his Instagram — but Adam has been flying pretty high and public opinion can turn so quickly. I’m sure that his mother is terribly proud of him, his accomplishments, and his strength of spirit, but still…I imagine she feels a little trepidation, watching him walk that razor’s edge in the shark-infested waters of the rich and famous, hoping that he’ll come through with his soul intact.

But anyway…on a less earnest note, I was looking at the pictures of Adam in his harness and Mirai in her gorgeous evening gown, and felt an old memory trying to break free from the murky depths of my brain. It eventually popped out fully formed as OMG THAT ONE TIME I ACCIDENTALLY WENT TO A BONDAGE CLUB.

It all started out with this guy I had a crush on. We’ll call him Paolo, because although he was Pakistani he used to tell people he was Italian, and changed his name to match. That’s the type of guy he was, it wasn’t the only thing he lied about, and I’m ashamed to admit that back then my heart was an extremely bad judge of character. Anyway, it was the 90’s, I was around 21-22, and Paolo, his best friend and I would sometimes go looking for interesting bars and parties to go to on Paolo’s endless search to get laid.

Unbeknownst to me, he was under the impression that I was a lesbian, probably because I was so dudely, and I think he was hoping I’d become his lesbian wingman or something like that.  Later on, he’d make little hints like, “Have you ever kissed a girl? Don’t you think she’s pretty?” in an attempt to push me out of the closet (he also would rent lesbian porn videos and we’d all watch them together but that’s a different little sordid tale of its own). We hadn’t gotten to that point yet, and I think this was the night when I told him I was into him for the first time (I don’t give up easily so it wasn’t the last time I tried, unfortunately). The answer I received is the story of my life: “You’re too much like one of the guys, can’t we just be friends?” So some of the details are a little hazy because I was pretty crushed.

Paolo was a big fan of Nine Inch Nails (and I just now realize that “Bow Down Before the One You Serve” is a Golden Oldie) (edited to note that the song is actually called “Head Like A Hole” but the only thing I remembered at 1am when I was writing this was that part of the chorus – rb). So we decided to go to a local club that played industrial music.

The club wasn’t really anything special. It was in a strip mall, inside an office building, and it was dark inside but I don’t remember anything too wild about the decor. There weren’t very many people there, maybe 10 or so, and I vaguely recall lots of leather and studs. Paolo and his friend were dressed Abercrombie & Fitch style, with Chino shorts and polo shirts. I had sort of a poodle perm at the time, and was wearing an outfit my grandma had bought for me because she had good taste and I was hopeless about women’s fashion. To say we didn’t fit in would be an understatement.

Still, we were there to have fun, so we went out on the dance floor and started to dance with the couple of people who were there. YOLO, right?

Then this chick walked into the place, and everyone stopped because she sort of commanded the whole room, like in a movie when the hero and heroine come out onto the dance floor and everyone stands aside to admire them. She and her companion are just about the only things about that night that I remember in any great detail, because they made such an impression on me. She had long black hair, was dressed in a gorgeous white evening gown, and she was holding a leash. The leash was attached to a dog collar being worn by a young man with a shaved head and beautiful eyes, wearing a leather harness. He was somewhat more scantily clad than Adam was on Oscar night, because I think I can remember that he had nipple rings, but he was wearing a long leather coat over his ensemble so the aesthetics were similar.

Anyway, this Lady started dancing with her Boy, and I sort of watched them out of the corner of my eye because I had never seen anything like it before in real life and I was rather fascinated. At some point the Lady sidled up to me, put her arm around my waist, and whispered in my ear, “You’ve got a great ass,”  while her Boy looked up at me with this coy expression. At that point my brain exploded, so that the only response I could think of was, “Thank you.”

I left the club with my crush and his friend not too long after that, since they weren’t having much luck, but I had already been cheered up by the fact that the only one of us that night who had a chance to be with a beautiful woman was me.

And the moral of this story is: accessories are everything.



I haven’t written a post since November, but because February is the shortest month, I have three blog posts in the pipeline that I’ll be publishing the next few days.

First, a revision update: I’m still working on typing in my handwritten scenes for Deviants, cursing my abysmal handwriting as I go. I’m starting to call it “Draft 2.0” because it’s so radically different from my original first draft that it’s practically a new novel.

After I finish that, I still have Amazon’s Apprentice to revise, which should be much easier, and then I have a few concrete ideas with detailed preliminary workups that I’ll take up next. I still have a few scenes that I started on a fantasy with a scrappy female lead, two handsome young men, a mysterious woman warrior, lots of queerness, and dragons (there must be dragons). Then there’s a story featuring an all-female space colony (not as far-fetched as one might think…), and a story set in the same world as Deviants, but in an earlier time, dealing with how the world ended up with most people living in VR with a few scattered groups roaming around outside. But first I want to finish my revisions and get them out there.

On the more personal side of things, one of my other projects since last year has been working on my health. This project is coming along somewhat faster than my writing, and I’ve lost around 40 kg since I started (almost 90 pounds), which is…quite a lot, when I think about it. I have no secrets for anyone, it just takes a lot of work and time, tracking everything I eat and working out a lot. It interferes with my writing time, especially since it’s becoming harder and harder to sit down for too long, but I wanted to live long enough to publish something, so what can you do?

One thing that helped is finally coming to terms with who I am. It’s unfortunate that, like many in my generation, it took reaching my mid-life crisis to figure this stuff out, which brings me to first upcoming post I mentioned, “A Gen X Ode to Millennials” which is a shout-out to all of the Millennials who have helped teach this old dog some new tricks.

The blog post after that will deal a little bit with my journey, along with a discussion of Peter Darling by Austin Chant.

Last but not least, in honor of Black History Month I’ll have a post about African and Black writers, and how they have helped me to recognize and combat my own bias.


Revised Draft of Book One/Deviants DONE!

So, last weekend I managed to finish my revised draft of the first book of Deviants. Now I just have to type in 300+ pages of mostly handwritten material, then print it out and do the final revision. Oh, joy!

It wouldn’t be so bad if my handwriting was actually legible, but it might have a silver lining: I’m too lazy to try to decipher my handwriting for superfluous information so I’m automatically getting rid of some deadwood while I type it in. So, “it’s not a bug, it’s a feature”?

Author Spotlight – TJ Klune

Okay, so TJ Klune is not strictly speaking an indie author, since he’s over at Dreamspinner Press, but he is an LGBT+ writer, and also responded to a tweet of mine with a really cute gif . So he definitely deserves a profile.

TJ Klunes writes in several genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Contemporary, and his books run the gamut from falling-down funny, to sentimental, to sweet, to dark and twisted. My first book from TJ Klune was Murmuration, which falls under the umbrella of speculative fiction and has an unconventional love story thrown in. I enjoyed it so much that I read a few more of his books after that, branching out into his contemporary novels such as How to be a Normal Person (which was one of the the first books I read after Jay Bell traumatized me with Something Like Autumn because I needed something with humor), John and Jackie, and the series starting with Bear, Otter, and the Kid. I read The Lightning-Struck Heart – which is Fantasy with a twist, and screamingly funny. I can’t even look at a picture of a unicorn without thinking about Gary.

Then there’s the Immemorial Year series, beginning with Withered & Sere and continuing with Crisped & Sere. The series is Science Fiction, of the post-apocalyptic variety, one of his darker works and twisted enough to be worthy of Stephen King. One of the things that makes this series so haunting is that the world is all too plausible. There are always some people who act in destructive and cruel ways, and when civilization and its rules and enforcers are gone, there won’t be much to stop them anymore. The two main characters are more than just a little flawed: they’re certifiably insane, and broken beyond repair. They are not really “good guys”, nor are they “bad guys”, but fall somewhere in between. Despite their flaws, I was still rooting for them, and their weird creepy romance.

And yet … despite the darkness, the author’s sense of humor is still there. Characters like Bad Dog and SIRS add some lightness, and Bad Dog is probably one of the most endearing characters I’ve read.

What I really like the most about TJ Klune is that he has a vivid and wild imagination, along with a unique sense of humor, and these things are very much reflected in his books.  His writing voice is unique, honest, and a lot of fun. Most of us censor our thoughts when we write them down, taking out anything that might seem too strange, too bizarre, too weird. TJ Klune lets these thoughts remain, and the result is wonderful — because it’s precisely the weirdest thoughts and ideas that make life more interesting. When I’m reading one of his books, I feel like I’m getting a glimpse of what goes on inside his head — and it’s definitely a fun place to spend a few hours.


Pride in London and 80’s nostalgia



British Parliament in Rainbow Colors

I was in London on business last week, and by a happy coincidence was able to catch the tail end of the Pride in London Festivities on Saturday. I’m not sure if it was Pride, or simply my mood, but on this particular visit I was hit by a wave of nostalgia while listening to my 80’s mix on Spotify.

You see, I’ve been in love with England, and its central city London, ever since I was a preteen, and just figuring out that I was different than other girls. I was just getting into music and fashion and being “cool”, and there seemed to be so many English music groups to love: the Who, the Rolling Stones, Def Leppard, Pink Floyd, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Billy Idol, the Smiths, the Cure. British musicians, with their cool (to an American) accents and hip British style, were the people I wanted to emulate. To be more precise – male British musicians. I listened to the Clash singing “London Calling”, and wanted to be Joe Strummer, sounding the call to action. I would look at pictures of Led Zeppelin, and wanted to be like Robert Plant, with his mix of androgynous and masculine sensuality, and have Jimmy Page gazing at me with respect and affection (I used to ship those two before shipping was even a thing ….)

My first forays into the androgynous fashion of British pop stars were met by raised eyebrows at the hairdresser, when I asked for a “Rod Stewart” cut instead of my old standby, the “Dorothy Hamil” wedge, and ended up looking … well, even nerdier than usual, sad to say. It got easier as New Wave with its made for MTV pop icons came along – so many boys who looked like girls, and girls who looked like boys. Androgynous haircuts were now all the rage, so that no one thought too much about it when a girl asked for a step cut and a side part, bleached “Billy Idol white” (one of the few times I actually got the cut I wanted instead of the “feminine” version, come to think of it).

After New Wave, the rise of Glam Rock made things even easier for a genderbending DFAB, with only myself knowing that my long, shaggy spiral perm and leather pants were my personal tributes to Roger Daltrey and Robert Plant, my sleeveless Union Jack T-Shirt a tribute to Joe Elliot. Add Guyliner,  studded leather accessories, and minimal lipstick, and I could imagine myself as one of the pretty glam rock boys popular at the time, while still looking enough like a girl to fool everyone else.

Since then, and through the years, I’ve had phases of “trying to look like a woman” and periods of “I don’t care”.  These days I’ve gone over to the “I’m a frumpy, androgynously-dressed middle-aged woman with no makeup and man shoes and I don’t care what you think.” However, as I enjoyed the crowd at Pride, in the fabled city I have loved since my youth, surrounded by many wonderful people who were much more far-out than I could ever be, a part of me felt like I had finally come home.



Indie Authors – William Hertling

Singularity Series by William Hertling

To continue spreading the love about indie writers, today’s post is about William Hertling, a completely different kind of author than Jay Bell. William Hertling writes near-future science fiction, and his Singularity series starting with Avogadro Corp: The Singularity is Closer than it Appears has an emphasis on Artificial Intelligence and its interaction with humans.

I’ve read a few cyberpunk/A.I. novels, especially older ones, that seem quaint and funny today (*cough* Neuromancer *cough*), but Hertling is not just a writer with a fairly good grasp on human psychology, but also a software developer who has interesting and realistic ideas about how Artificial Intelligence might come about, how A.I.s might think, and what kinds of motivations they might have. The scenarios he writes are all too plausible, made more so by the future world he has envisioned which is not so far from our own. It’s not a big leap to imagine living in the world that he has created, and his overall message is something we should be thinking about.

His novels are classic science fiction, focusing more on the science than the characters, so although the human characters are realistic, their characterizations don’t go very deep. However, his depictions of the A.I.s are some of the best and most realistic that I’ve ever read, so that the relative shallowness of the human characters doesn’t really matter. They are, after all, not really the stars of the show. I am very familiar with computers myself, so none of the technology is strange to me, but I think he keeps it simple enough that someone with a less technical background could understand what’s going on.

I’ve read the first two books of the Singularity series so far and am looking forward to reading the rest. Avogadro Corp deals with a singular A.I. and its birth, development, and interactions with its creator, while A.I. Apocalypse deals with the development of multiple Artificial Intelligences and the formation of an A.I. culture. I particularly enjoyed the descriptions of the communications between the different A.I.s and the thought processes of the A.I.s while they are dealing with humans.

If you enjoy realistic science fiction, and are interested in Artificial Intelligence, I highly recommend checking out this author and his Singularity series.

Book spiderwebs

I recently stumbled onto a blog about self-publishing from David Gaughran, which has some really useful information about marketing books and working with the algorithms of E-Book publishers. It’s definitely worth a look if you’re planning on self-publishing.

In one post, Who’s Pointing At You? David introduces a tool that promises hours of amusement for nerds like me looking for an excuse to procrastinate (ahem) marketing analysis tools: It’s a visual representation of  the “Also Bought” connections related to the title you type into the search field (change the default search from “books” to “kindle store” if you want to see the Kindle recommendations).

David has a good explanation about why you would want to keep track of the connections that your book has, but since I don’t have anything published yet I amused myself by plugging in a couple of my favorite books into the search and got nifty spiderweb pictures to show for it. For instance, here’s the web for 1984 from George Orwell:



Many of the connections to and from 1984 are to other dystopian novels and classic literature, which isn’t surprising. A closer look reveals a cluster of Cliff Notes, which makes sense considering it’s often required reading in literature classes:


My Muse says I better stop surfing and looking at pretty pictures and get working on that revision so that I have something of my own to look up!